When it comes to global warming, some Americans are finally starting to get it.

Planet Earth is covered in a thick haze. As a result, our little planet is spinning around the cosmos like a middle-aged woman in perpetual menopause. Not only are her hot flashes producing enough sweat to raise the oceans, but her intense body heat is melting down polar ice caps.

Which, as any menopausal woman can tell you, is just the beginning, folks. You think the warm, rising sea levels are scary? Wait until Mother Earth really gets fed up with tossing her covers off night after night from those damn hot flashes.

Tired beyond grouchy, she’s going to spew her fury, in the form of hurricanes, tornadoes, and drought, all over the planet while her children complain, “Hey, what’s up with her?”

What’s up with her? This rage has been a long time coming, you lazy brats. You better get ready because any day now, Mother Earth will be flicking off your television sets, getting right up in your faces, and screaming, “I’ve been asking you to help me out for years. So start picking up your trash. Now!”

She’s having a hissy fit. And she’s entitled to it. What’s more, we, her slothful spoiled ones, deserve it. We’ve pushed her too far, and she’s not going to take it any more. She can’t. Because of us, she’s stuck in miserable menopause. And as long as she’s in that state of imbalance, she is, as this menopausal writer can attest, more than slightly insane.

So then, if we know what’s good for us, we darn well better pay attention to her | because in this overheated state, who knows what she’ll do next? Then we should make her these solemn promises to her and stick to them.

OK, Momma Earth, we promise: We’ll get those screwy-looking light bulbs. We’ll pay our bills online. We’ll drive less. We'll use our legs and walk or bike. We’ll flick off lights and computers when we’re not using them. We’ll plant trees instead of chopping them down. And we promise, all of us, that we’ll stop using those stupid, awful plastic shopping bags that are weighing you down and burning you up.

Literally. People in San Francisco discovered that in their spectacular city, plastic bags alone consumed 450,000 gallons of oil per year and added 1,400 tons of trash to their waste sites.

That’s one city.

But hurray for San Franciscans. As of March 28, they became the first people in America to ban those bags. In six months, no more plastic bags allowed in major supermarkets or drug stores. Mother Earth is already blowing temperate kisses of gratitude down upon their foreheads.

So now how about the rest of us? How about if residents of Derry and Londonderry become the second group of citizens to ban these bags? Even if your head’s stuck under a granite rock and you still believe global warming is a farce, why would you continue to use a bag that will be littering your little neighborhood for another 1,000 years?

It makes no sense to use these bags when you already have the stuff to carry your groceries. Your arms, for one, if you only have a few items. And a few cloth bags if you’ve got a lot to haul home. You can buy a small canvas bag at Shaw’s for one dollar. A larger one at Shop and Save for five bucks.

Or you can bring your own from home. An old sports bag. A used backpack. An old pillow case.

Here’s another idea: Take an old T-shirt and sew up the bottom of it. Ta-da, a shopping bag that you can ball up and stick in your purse. Or in your belt loop. I don’t own any, but I imagine a muscle shirt would work great. Even if a T-shirt has sleeves, you can snip those off and slip your arm through the holes and voila. You’ve got yourself a fine, light-weight tote.

So come on. Let’s all try it. Before our Menopausal Momma blows her top.



Lorraine Lordi lives in Londonderry. To order the most recent collection of her favorite Derry News columns, visit www.plumriverpress.com.

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