By Lorraine C. Lordi
Staff writer
August 08, 2008 12:13 pm So, I've got this huge research paper due tomorrow for my microbiology class. It's been fun, and I've learned all kinds of awful things. Did you know that 90 percent of your body is made up of bacteria? It lives in your mouth, sticks to your teeth, grows on your skin, and loves being in your gut. (Let's not talk about what germs lurk outside our bodies — like on doorknobs and in mattresses.) Luckily, though, 99 percent of those body bugs are good for us. It's that other 1 percent that can set us out of whack. Which is what my paper is about. Finally, I'm down to this last question: "Out of the three classes of organisms that can cause disease — bacteria, fungi or viruses — which one would you least like to come in contact with?" "None of the above" is the answer I'd like to give and then be done with these germs for a while. However, since I don't think that response is going to cut it with my professor, I go one last time to the Internet for a few more facts to help me come up with a satisfying conclusion. Before I can get into my serious medical Websites, though, up pops this headline: "Brangelina Pregnancy Rumor?" I couldn't care less about movie stars, but I click on the link anyway. Turns out Angelina did not get pregnant through artificial means as some people said. She and Bradjolina conceived their twins the old-fashioned way. How nice. Another picture of a Hollywood couple emerges. Click again. Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon — will they or won't they get married this Christmas? Ignorant me! I didn't even know they were an item, as my grandmother used to say. Speaking of grandmothers, did you hear that Justin Timberlake's grandma wants him to get married soon, but his mom is against it? I had no idea about this earth-shattering controversy until I clicked on his picture. After Justin, pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Simpson pop up. I've never been able to tell those two apart, so I skip them and go to Johnny Depp. Did you know he might play the Riddler in the next Batman movie. How exciting is that? And how about these bits of news, which somehow escaped me. Jon Voight is Angelina Jolie's semi-estranged father and Cameron Diaz wants a larger derriere. And how about Kevin Costner refusing to give a homeless man a quarter? Just goes to show. The lives of Hollywood stars are not as shiny as they appear. At this point, I'm beginning to feel nauseous. I really have to finish this research paper. I'm all set to go to my scholarly sites when yet another headline pops up: "Whatever Happened to Tootie?" Click. You remember Tootie, that adorable star in the 80s sitcom, "The Facts of Life." She's 45 now and is a real beauty. So is Blair, her blond-bombshell roommate, whom every girl envied. She had that gorgeous mane of hair. Plus other things, too. You'll be happy to know Blair's doing well. She now advocates Christian childrearing principles and publishes Christian home schooling pamphlets. No doubt she's got great advice on how to teach your kids the facts of life. And what's this? George Clooney starred in this show in 1987? Knock me over with a feather with that one! I don't need to click on his next picture to know where he is today. I click on it anyway. You can never see too much of George. Next, up pops a headline for the most expensive burger in the world. I don't even eat meat, but I suddenly have this urge in my gut to know: What's in this sandwich, and where can I get it? Click. This one-of-a-kind delicacy is made with Wagyu beef, pink Himalayan rock salt, Pata negra ham slices, and an Iranian saffron white truffle dusted bun — all for a mere $400.00. You can find it in West London. After all this clicking, the answer to my research question becomes clear. What's the most dangerous germ in the world today? It's the Internet. nnn Lorraine Lordi lives in Londonderry. To order her collections of Derry News columns or sign up for one of her writing workshops, go to www.plumriverpress.com.
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